


Selective Amnesia

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Diary/Journal, Gen, Imprisonment, Insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 17:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14623866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: Raito keeps a diary after the end of the new world.





	Selective Amnesia

**April 4th, 2010**

My hand has finally healed enough that I can hold a pen. But I write far more slowly now, and it hurts to do it for more than a few minutes. I practised on the National Holidays list at the back of this diary until my writing was actually legible. Although, come to think of it, illegibility might have been useful. Keeping written records is dangerous.

~~But I didn't want them to see~~

They said it'll never be like it was before. I'm sure Near finds that really amusing. You have to pretend you don't care. Keep your face pleasant. It's harder doing that, though, too. 

**April 29th, 2010**

I keep crossing off the days even when I don't write anything on them. I don't see what the point is of writing when there's nothing to say, and there isn't much to say. No doubt they want it to be dull. Prison is supposed to be punitive, not rehabilitative. For me, anyway. Near will never let me back into society because I know the truth. 

Prison doesn't succeed in either aim. No one will tell me what's happening with the crime rates, but I don't need to know. I can see it, the filth of the world rising back up to cover it again. It'll take time but I know how it will end. I hope it's worse than before. If I can't kill them, let them die by the hands of their precious criminals. It's only justice.

**May 3rd, 2010**

I told Ryuk today that I had a plan. I pointed out that of course I couldn't explain it because they're watching me. I swear, now he can eat apples whenever he wants he's forgotten all about the surveillance. 

I can't decide if it's amusing or depressing to find out that shinigami are so stupid. Rem and Ryuk and Shidoh: I ~~was~~ am more worthy of being a god than any of them. Humans must make their own gods because the true ones are not worthy. 

I don't know if Ryuk is reading this. When I explained the concept of a diary, he pointed out that I never do anything now and so have nothing to write about. I said it was a human custom that provided some comfort. He found this mildly amusing and then started complaining about his own boredom again. This was how the topic of plans came up. He could be reading it when I'm asleep, of course. But I don't sleep much and when I do, I keep it under my pillow. I would wake up if he tried to look at it. I think. I never used to worry about these sort of questions before - whether he was looking at my possessions, I mean. But it's because of the boredom. When you're bored your mind wanders ~~and any kind of thought seems good if it distracts you~~

I had better proceed on the assumption that he is reading it, just in case. 

**May 15th, 2010**

If you lose the DEATH NOTE or have it stolen, you will lose its ownership unless you retrieve it within

~~I can remember when I found this out, I remember it was in my room at home and it was sunny and the blinds were drawn and I can see the scene in my head and I can't remember how many days I know I used to know this how the hell could I have forgotten something so vital?~~

**June 12th, 2010**

My mother came to see me today. I think she visited once before, but I don't remember. I think it was when I was still wounded. 

The conversation from today is not worth recording. She cried and asked stupid questions and talked about my father a lot. I don't understand why nobody realises that my father would have understood. Of course he thought he had to catch Kira, that's the sort of person he was, but he would have understood once he'd seen how my new world ~~was~~ is going to work. I didn't bother explaining this to her, of course.

~~She kept saying what a waste it was. I always aimed for the top and she never said that before.~~

~~Being a glorious failure is not~~

**August 5th, 2010**

I wish Ryuk would either continue to remain by my side always, or disappear. He keeps wandering off. 

~~Maybe that's how it works, maybe your hold on the Note weakens gradually and~~

It's stupid after so long, but I find it ~~creepy~~ disconcerting when he suddenly walks back through the wall. At night it's worse. ~~Sometimes I dream about him and then I can't remember whether it was a real dream or not~~

~~I mean I can't remember whether the dream was real~~

It is far harder to write when it takes such a long time to form the letters. I could try and use my other hand but then they'd know it hurts and I don't see why I should give them that satisfaction.

**October 14th, 2010**

~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~  
~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~  
~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~  
~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~  
~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~  
~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~  
~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~ ~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~ ~~I am Kira and the god of this new world~~

**October 20th, 2010**

460 days or 490? DAMN IT I can't believe I'm stumbling over something so elementary! Can't ask Ryuk he'll know I don't have 

Of course it may already be destroyed. There weren't any real rules covering that. W ~~h~~ ere there? I don't know what if there were and I've forgotten that too? No, I'm sure there weren't. If it is destroyed, though, Ryuk no longer needs to possess me. And he's still here. So it can't 

What if 'lose' means 'have it destroyed'?

**October 31st, 2010  
Hallowe'en**

A lot of the time I do nothing simply to prove I'm not bored. This diary doesn't count.

~~On Ryuzaki's last birthday I expected there to be so much cake in the HQ that you wouldn't be able to move, but it wasn't like that. Perhaps he knew what I was expecting and chose to second-guess me. I started to find birthdays a waste of time after I stopped being a child. Once the excitement of possessions wears off there's nothing particularly interesting about them. Ryuzaki didn't seem to own anything, so maybe he felt the same. But then, he always found cake more interesting than I did.~~

If I am to write down memories I should write down important ones, such as what happened. Just in case. I'll think of something, but just in case. But I can't get at the importance. It's all just light and pointless little details and stupid tangents like the one above. And I don't need to. I have a plan.

**November 15th, 2010**

Switch made sometime between 26th-28th January 2010

Say 26th

26th + 460 = 26th January 2011 + 95 = 31st January 2011 + 90 = 31st January 2011 + February (28) + March (31) + April (30) - 9 days

= 21st April 2011?

\+ 490 => 21st May 2011 

21st April 2011

21st May 2011

**December 5th, 2010**

I will be the god of the new world, if I write it down then I won't forget, I'm not that stupid! Near only kept it so he could see me worry like this if I panic that's playing right into his hands

as long as I remember then it all happened and it could happen again.

~~once I forget it will all be gone~~

**January 8th, 2011**

jUst wish I could SLEEP

**January 28th, 2011**

~~One goddamn fucking YEAR and NOTHING this is my life this is MY LIFE~~

**February 15th, 2011**

They came and told me Misa was dead. She killed herself. I don't know why they expected me to be interested, it's no concern of mine. It could be worse. I could be shut up here with her. 

Unless it was Near of course.

Yes, I've been thinking! They reminded me (today, I mean) that Mikami is dead too. I don't remember them telling me that. No doubt they hid it so I wouldn't suspect. But it's clear, they are killing off everyone using the Note and choosing suicide because they think I won't notice, but they forget that I am Kira. So then they'll try and kill me the same. They'll wait until I seem likely to kill myself and then write down my name and no one will work it out no one will know how the forces of evil have triumphed and so I know they still have the Note! They still have it so it's not burnt so that means I have til May 21 at most. Think. I'm all right now I can feel my thoughts moving properly again like when I got memories back before I will work it all out and then they will all be sorry.

**February 28th, 2011**

Mother here again. Still no point in talking. Not so much crying this time though. Talked about birthdays. She did, I mean. I didn't. 

She said Sayu doesn't know. I think this is stupid. Sayu should know her brother is Kira. Sayu should be proud. But I generously said that Sayu was probably still suffering the aftereffects of trauma and so maybe it was best she didn't know because the knowledge she was related to a god could prove a setback. In Greek myths, especially, they always burned up if they looked upon the face of gods, didn't they? I reminded Mother of that and she agreed with me that it was part of a trend. I think she expected me to be different but I wasn't. Soon she will come round and see how Kira is best for the world. So I will let her come here and talk to me because then she will learn. 

**March 20th, 2011**

There has to be a way out I just haven't seen it yet. Just like with L. Ryuzaki, I mean. 

Ryuk keeps laughing and saying to remember what he said to me when we first met. Idiot said a lot of things to me when we first met. I keep forgetting so much. That's what's happened, I've forgotten the way out. And just when I think I'll remember it Ryuk laughs again and it all goes

**April 5th, 2011**

Nate River  
Touta Matsuda  
Shuchi Aizawa  
Hideki Ide  
Kanzo Mogi  
Stephen Loud  
Halle Bullook  
Anthony Carter

you know sometimes it seems like a dream that this ever did kill people

**April 16th, 2011**

I remember, once, Mother and I went to pick Sayu up from nursery school. She was wearing new red boots and kept splashing. I was cross because she was getting everyone else damp and also that someone from school might see and laugh at her being a baby. The grey pavement and the red. 

I'm tired still.

I remember being in high school waiting for maths class to start, that teacher was always late so I used to look out of the window at the trees. In my head it was always sunny. Why is that? 

**June 1st, 2011**

I didn't even want to touch this book because it could be evidence, it could prove something, but I can't take it any longer, there's no one to talk to and I don't understand what's happened and I've got to say it somehow. It was a mistake or a trap or something. It has to have been. There are a lot of gaps in my memory so I can't say for certain how Kira did it, but I know I've been here a year and a half now so it's not impossible that the enforced confinement's affecting my mind. But I am not Kira. I'm not. This diary itself is part of the set-up. It looks like my handwriting ~~and it has my memories like of Sayu in the rain~~ but it can't be. I don't remember writing it. Not the parts where I say "I am Kira", anyway.

~~I don't understand why no one spoke out to help me. Why did they all believe it? The task force - my family - thought they would stick up for me~~

Keep trying to explain and they won't listen. Why didn't I say anything before? Was I drugged? They say the killings stopped but that doesn't prove anything, remember all the times before? 

I will not let it end like this. I will think and I will recover as much memory as I can and then I'll put it together. If I can talk to Near, convince him - he's intelligent, if I can argue it logically - if I just stay calm I can work it out. There must be some doubt. Nothing is perfect, nothing is 100%.

I'm not Kira.

[ _Papers found among the personal effects of Raito Yagami (deceased, myocardial infarction (heart attack)). Life imprisonment for the 'Kira killings' of 2004-10_ ]

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for dn_contest on LiveJournal, prompt "diary entry".


End file.
